Where did I come in? I know that in “New Moon,” because it’s the Northwest, it rains a lot (or snows a lot) and skies are dim. At one point our heroine Bella (Kristen Stewart), sits in a chair as mid-screen there pops into view the words: October, November, December, then rejected emails are listed on a computer screen for January and February, then the screen brightens a bit and it’s spring--and it rains. It should be noted that in one poll, Miss Stewart was named the worst actor of the year but the movie, because of the sophisticated teenage audience, was named number one!

I, not being a reader of the books, had to consult a plot-pony to actually find out what was going on in the story. I do know that Vampire Edward (The Hair) is in love with Bella (The Pout) but leaves for Italy or Argentina to protect her honor. Thus Jacob Black (The Nose) becomes her protector as Bella is pursued by either a gang of young-tough shape-shifters who, apparently find being werewolves the most satisfying persona to adopt or local vampires. With werewolves all that hair can be attractive when you’re surrounded by cold streams and cold moss not to mention cold ocean. The vampires all have the kind of eye color that Adobe Printmaker corrects under the guise of getting rid of red eye. As special effects go, they do.

At one point Bella is in such a fog of doubt and unhappiness she’s unable to shop and takes up the Zen of motorcycle maintenance because Jacob is adept at fixing things.

Half-way through this film I thought “New Moon” was not going to end but that I was trapped in a special wormhole, doomed to forever watch dew-tipped fern fronds in an occasional meadow stuck with plasticized cosmos (for the artistic touch) but no, towards movie’s end we flew to Italy for a special festival where everybody wears robes of cardinal red and a trio of vampire leaders (I must add at this point that all the previous heroes and heroines of countless vampire movies should know their reputations are safe) decide that if Bella (she knows too much) does not become a vampire she will be killed. So Edward proposes marriage and after their vows, he will bite her in a necessary way and--

Here's hoping that all’s well that ends well.

P.S.: Before the movie begins the audience is forced to sit through ten commercials and ten trailers taking up about 30 minutes.